The Baking Story

A Little Something I wrote today:

This is a story about an amazing baker who was born into the world to, well…bake. Her name, funnily enough, was Suzy Baker. Suzy loved ingredients, she would mix and concoct, enjoying every minute of adding “this” to “that”. In the beginning she prepared simple mud pies, sand cookies and play-dough cupcakes…but she always knew she would grow up to be an amazing baker. Sometimes, ok MANY times she would draw pictures of her creations, and in the picture there were always TWO bakers. Suzy and another. “Who is this other baker?”, she wondered. “Oh well”, she giggled “time will tell.” And she went on her merry way creating pretend treats, just as any little girl baker would.

Suzy grew up…as we all do, of course…no mystery there. And she became known all over school as “The Baker”. She always had some amazing doo-da to show off and share with her friends. It was fun, she loved to bake, it was in her soul.

As she grew even older, she found that the world was actually a pretty competitive place as far as baking was concerned. No longer was she a big fish in a small pond, she was a minute, miniscule, teeny tiny baker in a gigantic world of superior bakers. “No worries! I have my confidence!”, Suzy would say, and she set out into the world to bake her heart out. Along the way, she met another amazing baker and they became fast friends. Friendship turned to more, they became partners and found that their creations together were fun and challenging. Over time, the challenges became harder and tougher. Suzy found herself working overtime on many recipes while her partner grew jealous and spiteful. Suzy loved her partner though, and just kept encouraging him to help her make more pies, cakes and pastries. Suzy’s partner decided to vanish one day and Suzy cried for a bit…she scratched her head a lot and asked the Baker in the Sky…”what was THAT all about?” Suzy didn’t realize it, but her heart was broken.

Suzy went about her business. Baking sort of lost its meaning for awhile, but occasionally she would dream about baking. One time the dream was quite surprising. She dreamed of a giant, delectable cake with so many layers she could not count. The cake was not only delicious it was stunningly beautiful. “Is this MY cake?” Suzy asked no one. The answer came to her through the ether…Yes, of course this was her cake. Suzy Baker found excitement building inside of her, so many questions came to mind. “What are the ingredients? Where do I start? Is there anyone who can help me?” Suzy was not terribly patient, it was one of her many baker’s flaws. She wanted this amazing cake, she wanted to be a part of it. She was ready to build the most amazing cake of her life.

She recalled the drawings she made as a child-baker. Particularly, the drawing of two bakers, and she also remembered her previous baking partner who vanished. Could she find another partner who could help her build this amazing cake? How would she describe the cake to said potential partner? Would they all just think she was crazy? “Play it cool, Suzy Q” Suzy would say to herself, “just play it cool.” Suzy, once again went out into the wide world of bakers and swam amongst the many fishes in the ginormous baker pond.

Many bakers came to her with ideas, and she loved hearing all about them. Baking was so exciting, and she loved swapping baking stories. Suzy found that all these bakers would contribute one main ingredient…icing. Yes, Suzy loved the icing, it was delicious and sweet, and overindulgence was frequent. Icing was definitely a key ingredient to every cake, she could not deny it…but she found that an actual CAKE never really developed in any of these relationships. Sometimes there were mini-cakes, and Suzy would stack the mini-cakes together to see if it resembled the sensational cake of her dreams, but it never did. The potential baking partners would drift away, grow tired and bored and nauseated by all the icing…and Suzy agreed with them. Icing is great, but there must be more. “What other ingredients are out there I wonder?” Suzy searched and searched…but no one brought interesting ingredients to the table…other than, of course…icing.

Suzy grew despondent. Why was this dream brought to her? Why couldn’t she find anyone to build this amazing cake with her? And she realized one day…”DUH! This is MY cake, and I am the head baker! I must learn to bake this cake myself!” So Suzy shook off her depression and began her research. She wrote about cake, she talked about cake, she read about cake and she searched high and low for the best ingredients. Her kitchen became her wonderland. Many nights Suzy would fall asleep at the mixer mumbling, “three cups of refined sugar, fold the eggs gently…” but she knew that all of her hard work would be worth it. The main ingredients, she realized, were not simply sugar and flour and eggs at all…they were patience, timing, understanding, self-esteem, passion, growth, knowledge, bravery, love and tolerance. “Wow. I wonder how many people have made a cake with all of those ingredients?” Suzy pondered. The answer came to her from the ether once again, “Not many, Suzy, not many. That’s why YOUR dream cake is so spectacular. It’s a cake that few have tasted.”

Blogging on the Back Burner

Yes, its been awhile since I have written a post here. My schedule is beyond hectic, and my innate tendancy is to make things even more complicated...so there you go.

In the past few weeks I have had my hose stolen, my neighbor came to my door and told me about a job in her office, had some family photos taken for Christmas, watched a few movies at home and did some shopping for myself. Yay me! Of course I am not so happy about my jhose being stolen, but in the scope of things, that is pretty minor and I am pretty happy with the way things are going. I also had vertigo for a few days which was kind of creepy, but I am very good at getting to the bottom of an illness and healing it.

Dante is not doing great in his virtual high school, but we are getting to know the program, so I think things will improve over time. Julian is doing fabulously.

So anyway, at this point in time, I am not sure what else to write about. I have been keeping up pretty well on my other blog at www.lifeonthemoon.biz if you get the urge to go over there and read something more interesting, hahaha.

MoonGirl out.

My Show Starts Tonight

As some of you know, I am a huge Grey's Anatomy fan. Season 4 was a disappointment for me on some levels, for one, because of the writers strike...(whatever, get over yourself and your multi-million dollar contracts.) But also because the season started reeeeally slow. They had two good episodes, one was about "faith" and the other was the season finale. I am really hoping Season 5 shapes up to something interesting. We will find out tonight! I really don't care if Callie and Haun have a lesbian affair, or if McSteamy joins them in a threesome...yawn. I do want to know how Meredith finds her healing place, I want to know if George can start standing up for himself, and I want to know what's up behind moody Karev and his mysterious past. To me it has been obvious all along how much Karev loves Izzy, and he is so afraid to show it or to let himself be consumed by that emotion. Izzy is also afraid. Actually...everyone is afraid.

Great topic. Fear. Read my other blog at http://www.lifeonthemoon.biz/ if you are interested in learning more about healing fear.

Moongirl out.

Did Everyone Miss Me?

WOW! I have been through the craziest three weeks of my life. I have been working both jobs, fighting my mortgage lender to pay my property taxes, getting my kids set up for school (yes homeschooling again this year) and singing wherever I can fit it in.

Oh, AND my computer crashed.

So, as it turns out, my property taxes finally got paid. School is going swimmingly. And I am using my son's new computer. The singing is fun, but I need to be more serious and start practicing much more.

My new job is, in a word, extremely UNexciting. All I do all day is either data entry or package school pictures. Nobody talks to me and there is no pressure no music just me and a stack of kids pictures that need to be stuffed into envelopes. This is a GOOD thing. I can stand there and get paid to do this mundane job while I am working on healing in my head and in my heart. The work keeps my subconscious busy and my soul explores possibilities. I have found that even though I KNOW what my issues are, it is now time to manifest the actual healing. As I package pictures, I listen to what God has to say. I watch my emotions go up and down. It is amazing to learn so much about me and I am filled with gratitude.

My next project is to start writing letters. I have a few people who need to hear from me. Like REALLY hear from me as I have been holding back words and feelings over the past few years. For one, I have a hard time sifting through all the information. I ask for experiences and then I don't know how to deal with them. Right now is the time I am able to sort through it all and make sense of it, so I need to mend a few relationships.

So, in a word...I am busy. Once again, blogging has taken a back seat, but we do have seasons in our life. This has just not been a season for blogging.

What Is Next O' Lord?

This is a crazy time in my life. By all means I should be scared shitless, angry that my work at home plans did not prevail, and exhausted from overwork and other unimaginable stressful situations that I do not care to dwell on. But the truth is, I am fairly energized, and oddly hopeful and anxious to see what The Universe has in store for me next.

Tomorrow I do have a day off and the biggest part of my day is going to be sitting down with my boys and figuring out how we can organize our days, and instill the importance of them becoming self-motivated. Can I do it? We shall see. I also plan to sit by the pool *smiling here*.

Singing is still first and foremost in my mind. There is a lady who sings at the winery where I work on Saturday. I won't post her name here because quite frankly I think she is terrible. She sings to pre-recorded music, no band...which is kind of what I am looking toward doing. She has a great stage persona, and the crowd eats her up. She doesn't really sing lyrics though, and thats what bugs me. She just sort of vamps through these songs saying the same thing over and over, and often she goes off-key or hits a note that is unsettling. There is one song she does sing that has actual lyrics, but whenever she sings it she totally screws it up...yet she is working. So, I think I can do this...

Anyway, it is an interesting life. I am sooo not going to complain. I am a student of each and every experience. Truthfully I fight tooth and nail, my subconscious says "No! No! I don't want to learn this!!!" But the Universe is relentless. I must learn.

Pictures From The Wedding

As promised, here are the awesome pictures from the August 9th Wedding of Scott and Charlie Creasy-Davis. My wonderful friends...

The Happy Couple






MoonGirl and Charlie







Mike and Pam









Sons of the Moon-Girl...Dante and Julian


Diane, Charlie and Tami

Lolita









Julian and MoonGirl

A Story About My Past

In 1986 I moved back to Escondido from my two year course at performing arts school. The teachers took me aside before I left and told me it would be wise if I chose another profession because it was obvious I was not cut out for the theater profession. They were right in one respect, I was very shy, not very ambitious, I couldn't sing and could not dance...truthfully, it did seem there was no hope. I had a small scholarship to join another performing arts college in New Mexico, but I was not able to come up with the funding for the entire program so I gave it up. I moved home with my sister, got a real job and decided to do some theater locally, just for fun.

The first show I was cast in was Sweeney Todd at the local Jr. College, which is an amazing show. The music is intense and difficult, the story is dark and bloody, and I was honored to be part of the cast. I was so proud of myself I couldn't stand it. (If you ever hear the music of Sweeney Todd you will know why). After that production I started auditioning at the local community theater, called Patio Playhouse. I was cast in one show, and then another...and soon enough I was part of the tight knit circle of actors and musicians there. We did a production of Little Shop of Horrors, which was also an amazing experience. The musical director was Charlie Creasy and his partner, Scott Davis, played Seymour. My other close friends were Pam and Mike, who started dating after the show and eventually married. (Pam used to be a nun, but decided to give real life a try) My other close friends were Dynell Leigh and Lolita Maddelena. In a production of One Flew Over The Cuckoo's Nest, I met a funny, skinny Italian boy named Bobby Di Clemente. It took awhile, but my friendship with Bobby grew to something more beautiful, we fell in love and were married in 1989. Lolita had a thing for Bobby, and I always felt bad about that...but Bobby and I were very close knit and our kinship was obvious.

As time went on, my story moved away from the theater. Our friends all went their separate ways...all except Scott and Charlie, they gay couple from Texas who have been my closest friends throughout the years. As some of you who read my blog know, Bobby (my husband) passed away after 10 years of marriage. We did not have a perfect marriage, and I will not pretend life was easy for us. Bobby was sick for a long time, and I was not a strong enough person to deal with all the sadness and pain that followed his illness. When he died, many friends made it to the funeral, and some did not. I never blamed any of the ones who could not make it, because truthfully, I was not able to make all the calls and although I had friends who DID make the calls, I don't know who was notified before or after the funeral. It was just a bad time for me.

Years have passed. I am raising Bobby's children the best I know how. I have remained closest friends with Scott and Charlie, who now live in Palm Springs. Two months ago the State of California lifted the ban on gay marriage and my two special friends set a date to be married. August 9th. The wedding was last weekend. All my theater friends from Patio Playhouse were going to be there. Lolita, Pam, Mike, Dynell, Diane and Tami...I couldn't believe it. I was actually really nervous. I had no reason to be. It was an amazing night. My friends had not changed. They were still right there, fun and supportive as always. Lolita found a wonderful man and married him. I was touched when she told him that she had a thing for Bobby but Bobby loved me and she had to step aside. Pam told me that I was the strongest person she knew and God put me in a position that she would not have been able to handle. (referring to Bobby's illness and death). Scott and Charlie's wedding was the most touching and heartfelt ceremony that I have ever witnessed. They waited 28 years for that moment, and it finally came. They looked like two teenagers who had just fallen in love. I can only wish for such an amazing relationship. When Charlie sends me some pictures, I will post them here. I could not wait to post this blog, I wanted to tell the world what an amazing weekend I had and about the wonderful people I met because I took the advice of my teachers and decided to have fun with theater instead of pursuing it professionally.

Hey Mom! I Live In A Neighborhood!

Yesterday was an awesome day. My sons have been playing with their buddies these last few days before (public) school starts. I helped my friend Kristine organize her son's pool party, then we hung out at the pool all day, BBQ'd, and drank margaritas...then later in the evening we roasted marshmallows and made s'mores. I have never made a s'more in my life. It was an amazing day.

Throughout the day my memory raced back to when I was a little LITTLE girl. We lived on a farm in a very rural area, my older sister hated me and my younger brother was a brat, so I watched PBS quite a bit. (Frankly, that was about the only channel we could pick up with our TV antenna). I watched Sesame Street, Zoom, Electric Company and Lilia's Yoga & You. My favorite show, however, was Mr. Roger's Neighborhood. Reminding you that I lived in the middle of nowhere, I was overly impressed with how many people lived in Fred Rogers' neighborhood. He had SO MANY friends! He could walk anywhere and visit places, he constantly had visitors, everyone was so friendly...I was smitten.

One day I went up to my Mom, and I said..."I want to live in a neighborhood," and quietly in my head I finished the sentence with "ideally right next door to Mr. Rogers". Unfortunately, not long after that I got my wish. My father passed away when I was 7, we sold the farm and all the equipment and moved to California. Over the years I have lived in many tract home developments and condo complexes. Now I am 42 years old, with kids of my own, we live in a lovely townhouse with tons of neighborhood kids and other friendly, interesting neighbors. I can walk down the sidewalk and meet friendly people from all over the world, babies who are learning to walk and talk, dogs who sniff and bark, kids riding scooters and crazy skateboards. We can go to the pool or the park and we are part of a community. Yesterday as I sat by the pool, it hit me. This is Mr. Rogers' Neighborhood. This was my dream and now I am living it.

I am personally very grateful for Mr. Rogers and his show. It impressed upon my young mind that a friendly, stress-free environment where people communicate and help on another is truly beneficial and something to strive for. That image was burned into my subconscious, and I find that many people my age are very friendly and accommodating. Do you think we ALL watched Public Access TV when we were young? Chances are we did. Isn't it amazing how a childhood fantasy can turn out to be the future? Do you think that was Fred Rogers plan all along? I'm thinking YES. If you are a 40 something and have an inkling of what I am talking about, give me shout! I'd love to hear from you!

A Note About MoonGirl's House

Today's post will be about bringing MoonGirl back into focus and cleaning up her house. You might wonder...what's going on with you woman? These sporadic, crazy posts and long periods of nothingness, what is the real story?

The real story is, I found a life outside of my computer. Outside there are people; like my kids, my family, friends (who sincerely like me), music, sunshine and tons of other really cool stuff. I have someone to thank for this wake-up call. Ironically, it is one of my blogging friends. This person has built a close relationship with me over the past 6 months or so. This person (without my realizing it) stuck a crowbar between the cracks of my prison wall and has ever so gently broken me wide open. Yes, this IS a metaphor...so go with it. Then...my friend kind of...vanished. It was weird. At first I was a bit angry, but I looked around at the place this person brought me to, and I realized...I climbed out. The prison walls were taken down and I was free to go about my life like a normal person. Free.

FREE!

FREE!!!

So, what does this mean to my writing? What does this mean to my work at home, homeschooling, blogging, social networking lifestyle? Truth? I don't know. I still love to write. But I think I am going to go out and experience some life, and that way, I will have something to write about.

Thank you to those who care enough about me to read my blogs, link to my sites, ask me how my day went, send me comments and request assistance. Thank you. Thank you also to my friend with the crowbar. What a blessing you have been to me.

I Can't Believe I Blogged About Turkey Burgers!

Man, how sad is MY LIFE? hahaha

OK, not really sad at all, after all it is fun to write about different things, especially food. But wow, what a lame post that was!

This blog has definitely steered away from its original purpose which was to write a book about my life, but that project has really taken a back seat as I find I am still working on stuff. Stuff within myself. When I am working on me...writing really doesn't happen. You guessed it, I start writing about turkey burgers.

When I started blogging back in August or September last year I had goals about making money online, and I have made a few bucks here and there. I've even been hired to write by a few online publishers. Then my blogs started becoming more personal, and I created more blogs...it became fun and addicting. Now I am working on some more emotional and spiritual things and I am learning to simply have FUN. Writing about my life doesn't quite hold the same value as it did earlier this year. My life is still happening, and I think some of the most important stuff might be happening RIGHT NOW. How amazing that all the crap and the garbage of the past is now in the back seat, and as I walk through each day, I shed layers and layers of hurt and pain and keep walking forward, smiling, laughing and singing.

Blogging has been an awesome tool for me, and I am not sure where it is going next but if you want to stick around and find out, it might be FUN! I will try not to post about turkey burgers anymore.

Turkey Burgers, YUM!

Probably nobody noticed, but I took a short hiatus from blogging. Just some personal wound licking that has been long past due, no biggie, life goes on.

We had turkey burgers for dinner. I was at the grocery today, watching my food budget as usual and found that ground turkey meat was half the price as hamburger meat. I decided to give it a shot. Turkey is also less fat and therefore healthier. I made up some turkey burger patties the same way I prepare hamburger patties and grilled them up. They were a total hit with my kids and just as delicious! (Do the math, costs less, healthier, tastes great) I saved 3 ways!

A personal note on how to make your burgers even HEALTHIER! Load them up with VEGGIES! Not lettuce, in fact STAY AWAY FROM LETTUCE! Use spinach leaves instead! Tomatoes! Avocado! Pickles! YUM YUM!

Moongirl out.

I Met David Blue!

Yesterday I was at work pouting. I hate work. But toward the end of the day I was noticing a guy who was wine tasting with his friends. He looked so familiar I could not stop looking at him. I was thinking that he had been in the winery before, maybe within the last few weeks, but I wasn't sure. I was pouring him a wine sample when I blurted out, "have you been here before? You look soo familiar." He said, "no". He was surrounded by three girls and one of them said, "He's an actor, you see him on television!" I thought they were joking, so I played along. "He's on Ugly Betty!" they laughed and the guy blushed. "Ya right! I watch that show..." I did not believe them. As I poured another sample he looks at me and says, "I really am on Ugly Betty." hmmm, "really?" I asked. My mind went through the files and suddenly I recognized him...my face lit up..."OOOH! You are Mark's boyfriend!!!" YIPPEE!! I met a tv star! I was so excited I got his autograph. I have never asked for an autograph before, but he was very sweet and wrote on a wine tasting sheet, "Lisa, thanks for getting me drunk! ~David Blue"

After he wrote it, he became a little concerned, so he whispered..."I'm not really drunk!" I said, "I know!" *grinning at how cute he was*

If you do not watch Ugly Betty, I highly recommend it. It is a fun show and even with all the silliness and drama, it carries a good message. Support David Blue and the new Season of Ugly Betty this Fall, Thursday's at 8 on ABC.

Good Sunday Morning

I am in a happy place. Not happy like fairy princess happy, but I do feel at peace. I have quieted my Subconscious, the Little Voice that used to rule my every waking and sleeping moment, the exhausting questioning, whining and complaining voices that pissed me off all day long. Today I am quiet. My heart aches, but in a good way. In an excited way. In a happy way.
I have worked for years to sew the pieces of my heart back together...but even when you do that you have another challenge. The challenge of keeping your heart whole once you have put it back together. How do you do that? Good question.

The Subconscious Self says things like, "BUILD A WALL! DON'T LET ANYONE IN! THIS IS NOW OUR FORTRESS!" and at first, that is what I did. I let a few people in, little by little...testing the grounds of trust and friendship but still keeping my distance. Sometimes a friend would push a button and I would freak out a little bit, back off and hide in the fortress again, but amazingly the fortress door was still open and once again I would venture out. My Higher Consciousness would start to talk to me over the Subconscious, it would say, "See? It's not so bad. I am bringing you loving people, its okay...talk to them, they will listen."

Recently one of my friends pushed a button, and although I freaked out I did not hide. I stood in the doorway of my fortress. I had a decision to make. Do I go back in, or do I step outside? I stood frozen in the doorway. My friend kept talking. I was listening. Finally I took a step outside, and then another. My friend embraced me and now I am exploring the aspects of a new and glorious room in my heart. The sewn patches are healing, the scars and stitches disappearing. The Subconscious voices murmuring in the background, "what if, what if, what if..." the Higher Consciousness saying "Good girl, you did it!"

I realize my mistake in the past was to put my heart in someone else's hands. Giving them the power to hurt or heal. The healthier way is to share your heart. Hold it in your own hands as if it were a prized possession and show it to the other person as a precious gift. Watch your heart glow and pulsate and smile as you present it...explain to that person why it has a few bumps and bruises but do not expect them to be the healing power. Heal it yourself, love it and treasure all the experiences. Find a way to be thankful for pain. Find a way to be yourself and that way you will have something wonderful to offer another person when that opportunity comes around.

Stop by my new website and learn more.

My Bad, Totally Bad, So Bad...Bad, Bad

Hahahaha, I have neglected this blog for over a week. Typically I try to post to each blog once or twice a week, but it has now been over a week. My apologies. Here's what's going on with me...pretty much NOTHING! How did you guess? Actually, I am ready to take a break. I have been pounding the keys for over a year now, and I am getting a little tired. Not giving up, mind you, but a person can only take so much. First of all there is rejection...and rejection shoots you down, but on the internet, it's almost worse...there is just SILENCE. No comments, no e-mails, no inquiries...just SILENCE. This is almost worse than rejection.

I am not complaining. I know there are about 2 bazillion people just like me trying to find some kind of notoriety on the Internet, and I definitely have found some. As you will read in my post below...I have made some amazing friends. We are close, we are REALLY close and actually I would put my life in the hands of these people. But as far as making a living online or getting my music or my sites in the limelight...not so much. It's ok though, I am not depressed or down. I am loved, and this is the best kind of notoriety you can find. I am putting in more hours at my winery job, and since gas and food prices are going crazy right now, I am going to hang with a steady paycheck for awhile.

People should pray for each other. Just hold those dear to your heart close to you and send them your best wishes. That is the best you can do when the economy sucks and God knows what the politicians are going to put us through. In fact, who the fuck cares? Just keep doing what you can do, and love the people you are with.

Peace out.
MoonGirl

MoonGirl Fan Club

No, I don't really have a fan club, but it sure is fun to pretend I do. I have a friend on Yuwie who calls herself an Imaginary Supermodel, and so I have crowned myself Imaginary Rockstar. Anyway, I want to take a moment to highlight some of my internet friends who work very hard to support me, maybe you could visit their sites and show them some love.

DIY Girl - visit Julie and her site that is geared toward women who literally have it all. Moms and Executives alike will appreciate this site.

Dear Bette - an advice column written by my good friend...Bette! She and I met last year through Linkreferral and have become fast friends. She is quick witted and true to the bone. You will love her, drop by and give her a holler!

Pink, Glitter, Style - this is my awesome friend Wendy who has brought me tons of business and advice. She is (admittedly) a information junkie, and a great resource to have if you are looking for online opportunities. This is a new blog for her, accentuating her FUN and PLAYFUL side!

Crazy Horse Industries - Betty Moore is a dear woman who has honored me with her friendship since last summer. She recently lost her husband to leukemia, and I would love to send some business her way. She sells fun jewelry designs for the avid horse lover (or Betty Boop or Elvis) please stop by her site and tell her MoonGirl sent you!

My Brain Station - Long time friend, Charlie Creasy has developed an ingenious site for people to track and remember all their daily information. Truly, Charlie and I have known each other 20 years (don't do the math) and I am very proud to support his site.

Darrel Day - I am friends with an incredible man who has written some pretty amazing novels, you can find them in my Amazon store. (Abduction & Until Death Do We Meet) He blogs about his life and has some amazing insights to share in regards to eternal love, bi-poler, bitter-sweet, and so much more.

I look back at this post and realize how blessed I am have these people in my life. Thank you my friends, for always supporting me. We now return to our regularly scheduled program...

David Cook is My New Friend!

OK, I am so excited I can hardly sit still. When I got my video posted to YouTube, I got ambitious and started a MySpace Music page...it is fairly rockin I must say. Then the very next day, David Cook's picture appeared on my home area and I clicked it to make a friend request. I was giddy just clicking the "add" button. A few days later, lo and behold, my request was accepted! David Cook is now on the top of my friends list. I can't stand it!

Now, let me tell you something about myself. I am not celebrity crazy, unless someone is really really REALLY good. I have fallen for Harry Connick Jr., and I remember going to one of his concerts when I was 8 months pregnant with my first son. I stood up and screamed like a teenager throughout the entire concert. I don't know if my husband was embarrassed or amused, because in that moment he did not exist. It was just me and Harry.

I am also quite taken with Pierce Brosnin, Patrick Dempsey and Brenden Frasier.

OK, so I have to tell you something about my infatuation with David Cook. I started watching Season 6 of American Idol when it got to the top 12. I thought David Cook was a total loser. I hated his two-tone hair, I hated his interpretation of songs, and I was wondering if he ever had a mother who dressed him. But one week, something changed. He colored his hair a gleeming shade of chestnut brown, he grew in his facial hair around that annoying "sole-patch", and he sang Billie Jean. I hate Billie Jean, but I loved David Cook's Billie Jean. I think I even wet myself. It was phenomenal...that was the week David Cook stepped up. Apparently he read my mental e-mails, so I started voting. The next week I voted more, and it got to the place where I was voting for him 6 or more times much to my 10 year old's chagrin. Julian still hates David Cook.

I'm sorry Julian, but Mommy has to say this one thing...

"YAY! David Cook is my friend!"

It's Here!

Well, I could not be prouder...this is my first music video. Many thanks to my BFF Megan who filmed and edited this AWESOME video for me, without her I would be another karaoke wannabe. Even greater thanks to Sheryl Crow for writing and producing such a great song. I am so proud to be singing your lyrics! You are one of my fem heroes of all time! If you have an account with YouTube, please visit this video, add it to your favorites and rate it for me. (5 stars preferrably!)

Enjoy!

This Grout Is Clean

Holy sheesh! My grout cleaning days are over...I know I am belaboring this, but I worked all week bleaching section by section in my kitchen and my right index finger is raw from working with bleach. Go ahead, laugh all you want, but my kitchen looks f*king GREAT! hahaha, ok, let's talk about something else.

Today, my friend Megan, finished my music video...did I mention I love her, and if she ever wants to leave her genius husband who has the patience of a saint, I would turn lesbo and have her children? hahahaha, again. I am soooooo funny! Anywhoooooo, the video rocks! I am going to send her one or two edits, so she can wrap it up and then we will start downloading and uploading... whatever it takes to get it on YouTube and all my blogs and Social Networking sites. You guys are gonna dig it, she really did an awesome job!

My week has been intense, so I think I will go to work tomorrow and Sunday so I can get some rest. Love to all, have a great weekend!

Do Rockstars Bleach Their Grout?

Here is something I never thought I would ever do, let alone blog about it...but I am bleaching my grout. I went over to my girlfriend's house the other day and she has the exact same tile countertops in her kitchen that I do with one slight difference. Her grout is sparkling white, and mine is coffee brown. I told her that she had a cleaning sickness and it just wasn't right to have a pristinely clean home when you have two rugrats rampaging through your house 18 hours out of the day. She proceeded to tell me how easy it was to keep the grout clean by simply buying a cleaning product with bleach in it and letting it sit on the countertop overnight. Grrr, she sucked me in, I had to do it. I have been cleaning my grout all week, and my hands are dry and raw from using this bleachy stuff. No, I don't believe in Donna Reed's rubber gloves, I am a badass rockstar I don't need no stinking gloves!

PS, cats get high off of the smell of bleach.

Another Week, Days Are Flying By

Hey everyone, I'm not sure what happened to this week. I really didn't get much work done, the kids are in the final stretch of school so we are cramming to get as much done as possible, plus it was my niece's graduation this week. Also, I worked Wednesday and then afterward we auditioned another guitar player. Unfortunately the whole band thing is falling apart. I guess right now it is just not meant to be for me to be a rock and roll star. I still rock, though.

I just put together a to-do list for this week coming up, I really need to get some writing done and I want to finish my patio project. I am also ready to get some sun and start wearing my tank tops and going barefoot. Winter is not my favorite time of year, I am also not crazy about Spring. I used to hate the months from January - April. It just seemed like such a sluggish time of year, but this year was actually kind of exciting and nerve racking...I am learning to appreciate life so much more nowadays.

Yep, this is a pretty boring post, I realize that. When I walk away from my computer I think about all kinds of cool things to blog about, and then when I sit down I stare at the screen like "duhhhhh" and all those ideas go right out the window. I guess that is why I haven't written for nearly a week. Its cool, I'll get my groove back when things settle down. Summer is coming and the kids will be playing, I am hoping to have a relaxing summer.

I haven't heard from my friend about her progress on the music video, but I will talk with her this week and find out how its going. The day she and I toyed with it, it looked TOTALLY cool. I am way excited about that. I am also getting ready to launch a brand new website I have been working on, so look for that this summer as well!

Enough About Me, Let's Talk About Me!

I am cracking up at myself. I am looking at this blog right now thinking, "hmmm, maybe I should post one more picture of myself up here, there just AREN'T enough!" hahaha

Actually, the way I see it, I have spent my life as a people pleaser and it pretty much got me nowhere, so if I want to post a few blog pics about myself, I think that is okay.

So did I happen to blog about my dumpster diving experience about a week ago? This was totally cool. In the back of my mind, I have been thinking that I will need another desk for my son's homeschooling next year since he will be in High School. He will be getting his own computer, and thusly will need his own desk. Since finances are a little tight at present, I wasn't quite sure how I was going to be able to afford that. So I put my feelers out into the Universe, and spoke the word that we needed a desk. In answer to my prayer, my phone rings and it is my neighbor calling me...she says somebody got evicted from one of the units in our complex and all their furniture was in the dumpster. She wanted to know if I could help her carry a few chairs home. I walked out to the dumpster and the chairs were sadly gone...but as I peered INTO the dumpster I saw an entire computer desk, and a pretty cool looking lamp! (which I have also been needing for my living room). I don't know how I did it, leverage, elbow grease...whatever...but I was able to maneuver the desk out of the dumpster and got my kids to help me carry it home. Now Dante has a computer desk. On the downside, the lamp I brought home didn't work. I was about to throw it back into the dumpster, but decided to call my dad instead. I asked him if he knew how to re-wire a lamp and he thought he could help. Long story short, the lamp is now in working order!! YAY ME!

I have had one of those weeks, where I feel almost magical. It's weird, in a good way. hmmm, let's see if I can dig up another picture of myself...JUST KIDDING!

Digital Plastic Surgery

Y'know, when you put your mind to it, you can really meet some amazing people. In my internet travels, I have met an advice columnist, a novelist, a drummer and a bass player who have all become very good friends of mine. I also met this incredible lady who is an information junkie, and she sends me all kinds of cool websites and ideas to look into. I have a local friend who I met while investigating homeschooling networks and we find all kinds of trouble to get into...currently she is shooting and editing my music video for me.

In the previous post I mentioned, Mark who made my ROCKSTAR picture for me. I met Mark in September of last year while looking for musicians (on Craigslist) to jam with. He is now the drummer in our fictitious band. Anyway, in an e-mail today Mark sent another re-touched version of my pic he worked up on Photoshop...he is really a genius at this stuff! We decided to call his work "digital plastic surgery". If you have any kind of picture you would like to have enhanced, just e-mail me at Lifeonthemoon@izoom.net, and I will pass it on to Mark. This can be a fantastic service to those who are pursuing a modeling career, or need promotional photos of any kind. Just to give you an idea, here is my before and after.

ROCKSTAR!

I might have said this before, but HOLY CRAP! On Wednesday, I got all dressed up to get ready for the video shoot and I asked my son to come in and take some pictures. We had so much fun and I really loved how they came out! I sent the photo files to my friend Mark and he played around with this one on Photoshop...CHECK ME OUT! I am so proud, I am plastering it everywhere! hahahaha! Anyway, the video shoot went fine, we had fun and we are going to do more on Sunday. Ummm, this is so cool, I might just explode. Anyone know where I can get some leather pants? LMAO!

Me...In A Music Video!

OK, I am so excited I might just pee my pants...hahaha. My girlfriend has been telling me for a few weeks not that she can help me make a music video. Naturally I was a little skeptical, but always grateful that my friend was reaching out to me to help me get a leg up on my career. So, I was just over at her house the other day and she showed me the cool music videos she was making on her Mac program just from footage taken from her kids soccer games...they were totally PRO! I began to feel my heart race. We started discussing the possibilities of taking my recorded music and ideas for a video starring...ME! Tomorrow is our first shooting attempt, again...I am sooo excited!

My Mother's Day

Some Mom's get a great Mother's Day, they get taken out to lunch or dinner and surprised by gifts. Other Mom's get a crappy day filled with screaming kids and husbands who don't give a crap what day it is. My day was quite busy because I had to work my winery job. I served greek BBQ to about 50 Mom's and their families, at first it went pretty smoothly, but as the day progressed, the BBQ cook got lazy and the food was not turning out very good...the Mom's started complaining and I had to do a lot of running back and forth, sweating, apologizing and trouble shooting. This was not fun. I did get paid a $25 tip, just from the event, plus another $20 from the wine bar, so all in all, I at least made some money and got to spend the day outdoors. When I got off work, I was greeted by roses, hand-made cards, soft house-slippers and a gift certificate for a pedicure. NICE! Then I cracked open a bottle of wine a friend bought for me, and I was happy.

I am very tired today, and although I want to go use my gift certificate, I am actually too tired to leave the house. Last week was very trying for me. I apparently made a few people angry, which always baffles me because I make every effort to be a good friend and co-worker. Plus I have just felt sort of stuck in my ventures...I don't know how to move forward without advice and/or assistance, and I don't know where to turn for that kind of help. So I plug along at what feels like a snail's pace. The band is still in search of a guitar player and we cannot focus on the songs we want to play without someone to play them with. My patio really shaped up, but I have run out of money to put the finishing touches on it. I guess it was meant to be a week of rest. Now I am wondering what is up this week.

Somebody Took Grumpy Pills This Morning

Who rained on my parade today? Geez! I got up today feeling pretty great, I have been working on a new website and I wrote a lesson for one of my students, and then suddenly...BANG...bad mood sets in. Mostly its because the friend who has been helping me work on a few business ideas was not available to me today, because IM was down. She typed me a few notes and then she disappeared for the rest of the day. Then my son's tutoring got canceled and then my other job got canceled too...I'm sitting here staring at my computer wondering WTF! So, I made dinner and I have been sitting here for a couple of hours dabbling with layouts and just being a goofball, trying to cheer myself up. For gosh sakes I hope Jason Castro goes home tonight on American Idol...man that kid SUCKS! Could I BE more mental right now? I'm not even hormonal, I just don't know what to do with myself. I tried writing a blog here a few hours ago but it really wasn't working...now I am just finding humor in just about anything. Very rarely do I randomly babble, but here I am...enjoy!

Holy Crap

OK, so something happened this weekend that is a total first for me. I have the feeling it won't be the last either. I don't see it as a problem, per se, in fact it's kind of cute and my heart swells thinking that my boys are discovering girls...but here's what happened.

My oldest son is 13, he swears he has no interest in girls...I mean gag me Mom! And my younger son is 10, he is very inquisitive about relationships and he really likes girls in a "you're fun to play with" way. He takes a lot of heat from his older brother. Anyway, my mother's next door neighbor has a teenage daughter...she's 14, tall and slender, very immature and talks 90 mph. She usually plays with the younger kids on the block, I have never seen her with anyone her own age. My kids have been spending weekends at my Mom's house and Julian really enjoys playing with Jasmine (the girl next door). She is always telling Julian about her boyfriend, and Dante typically hides from her swearing he can't stand her...but this weekend was a little different.

This weekend I went to pick up the kids and Mom said they had both been outside playing all weekend. This was good news, I am always happy when Dante has some social activity. My Mom was holding her mouth and kind of snickering and whispered "I have to talk to you later!" So, I knew something was up. On the way home, I stopped to get gas. I gave Dante some cash and asked him to go inside and pay the cashier so I could pump the gas...while he was inside, Julian says, "I have to talk to you later! I have to tell you something that I don't want my brother to know!" I said, "Just tell me, he'll be inside for a few minutes," so Julian blurts out..."I have a girlfriend!!" He was beaming.

I had a feeling right away he was talking about Jasmine, and when I asked him he confirmed it. I asked him what happened to Jasmine's other boyfriend, and he said, "oh, they broke up, I guess." He was glowing, so happy...I tried to ignore the fact that she is 14 and my baby is only 10.

Later the next day, I talked to my Mom, and come to find out...Jasmine asked Dante to be her boyfriend and he turned her down. I came to the sinking conclusion that Jasmine asked Julian after that and he probably had no idea. Aiy Yai! What's a mother to do?

This will probably continue to happen all through their lives because they do everything together, they are best friends and although they look a lot alike they are polar opposites. Girls are going to be attracted to both of them for different reasons. It's really hard not to get involved, but I think I better just stay out of it, and be there when the chips fall. There comes a point where I have to let them live their lives...it is so hard not to get involved, and this is just the first time something like this has happened. Here we go...God help me! :)

Winery Job

I just realized in my last post I did not tell you about my new job. I went on a job interview to work weekends at a local winery, pouring wine. I got the job, and I was immediately pissed off. I have been grumbling about it all week. I woke up this morning and I had one of those light bulbs moments, I know now why I am so bothered.

I used to work in another winery years ago when my husband was sick. We were destitute, and the winery job pulled us through financially for many years. I started out at minimum wage, and although I was there 6 years, I only topped out at $11 per hour. My husband died while I was employed there, and my first 2 years as a widow was spent working at the winery...after that year I started figuring out how to better my income by learning how to deal cards and I was hired at an Indian Casino...I bumped my income to $27 per hour and was working FULL TIME. WOW! My first paycheck was like a lottery ticket. My mouth fell open and my heart jumped inside...I did very well financially for 4 years.

So you don't need my life story here, the bottom line is I no longer work at the casino, I have been working at home the past year and a half and really pinching pennies to make ends meet. So...when I got the job at the winery at minimum wage again, I felt that that was a major set-back. Not only that, it was like a Pavlovian response, that the job was pulling me out of the shitter once again. I don't want to be in the shitter...but that is how it made me feel. So, I have decided to create a new thought process, enjoy my new job, meet new people, and I will not sweat the money part. Here's the really FUNNY and IRONIC part. When you pour wine samples in a winery...people think you are GOD. So my intention is to go to work and play GOD for 7 hours. Surely GOD makes more than minimum wage. *smiles here*

Full Tilt

Well, I mentioned Sunday that this was a good week, and it was. I have been on full tilt all week. Now it is Friday, and it is so quiet it is scary. Quiet makes me nervous! I was going to work on my patio this week, and all I really accomplished there was buying the paint, laying out a plan and washing the patio down. My dad is going to come and take away some of the plants so I can paint and install a gazebo, but he caught the flu and won't be able to help me until this weekend...so I put my plans on hold for another week. I took some "before" pictures and wrote a synopsis of my plan, I think it will be a fun DIY article.

What I really need to learn to do is take advantage of quiet time. Instead of freaking out, I should take that opportunity to write things down and make a plan. I mean, I have plans in my head, but they get muddled, so I should really write them down so I can see them and they become more concrete intentions. Reading would be good too. I have totally steered away from writing my book, but I know that inspiration will come back around, I get it in waves.

The band is going great, we are now a 4-some, and dedicated to practicing and learning new songs...yay us! We are working on 2 Pat Benetar songs and 1 Blondie song, and 1 Sheryl Crow song. The guys are great, and Mark and I have been contemplating a band name...how about...MoonShine?

Personal Growth is on the Rise

I am having a great week, today I met with a few musicians who are actually willing to work on their craft and put together a working band. The rehearsal was a little rough because they are all learning new songs for the sake of the singer (me)! The previous band members all wanted to play blues, which is great, but doesn't lend much to a female vocalist. When I chimed in about the songs I knew, they seemed to lose interest. So, I didn't give up, and neither did my friend Mark, the drummer. He believes in me and is willing to stick it out until we find other musicians who will play with us. Today was a good day. We only played two songs, but that is more than any other practice we have ever had. We even agreed to meet twice a week to practice...wow!

Other than that, I have been reading and putting my thoughts about working at home back into focus. It's truly what I want, and believe I can do. This week, I intend to "walk away" from my freelancing and do a little home improvement project. My back patio is in need of a little re-vamping, so while the kids are doing their STAR testing this week, I plan on spending some time at home depot and plot my course of action.

So, what does this have to do with the title of my post? Good question. I have loosely been pursuing my personal growth for 15 years, but more seriously the past 2. I was so lost in my own cry-baby bs to really understand what spirituality meant to me, and now I am much more focused on what is important. I have stopped asking "why me?" and started looking at "why NOT me?" There is absolutely no reason why I cannot be successful, and no reason I cannot raise happy, healthy children. I have a good heart, I am loving, I am ambitious and sharp as a tack...so why NOT me? No reason, no reason at all.

My Library of Self-Help books really keep me in line. I stray from the path from time to time, and when I am ready to regroup I fall back on my books, revisit them, and whenever I do that I learn something new and see that I have actually taken many steps forward in healing. I highly recommend, the "Conversations With God" Series, "You Can Heal Your Life", and "The Game of Life and How To Play It". Visit my Amazon Store and check out some of these titles if you are not familiar with them!

Mother's Day

Last year on Mother's Day, my kids went out with my mom to buy me a Mother's Day present. This was the first year they had done that. Usually I would get a gift that they made at school in their art class...but this year they were homeschooled and did not have a paper-mache gift. Anyway, my (at the time) 9-year old gave me a card that touched me in a way I cannot express. The card has been sitting on my window sill next to my desk all year, and I do not have the heart to throw it out or put it away. Today I read it again, and it gave me renewed strength to follow my heart. Here's what it says...remember a NINE YEAR OLD picked out this card:

"When I was young, I didn't always understand how hard it must have been for you to make certain choices in your life. But now I see how much you tried to give of yourself - both to your work and to your family. You set an example of what it means to be a good and loving person - someone who always strives to be true to the best in herself. I hope you know how much it means to me to have an example like that. It's something I try to follow every day of my life."

Wow.

Book Reviews

I have a great internet friend, Hugh, who lives in Calgary. About 6 months ago I suggested he read the "Conversation With God" series, because I really felt that he was ready for the information. He ordered the books, and then we didn't speak for a long time. No big deal, internet relationships tend to drift occasionally. About a week ago, however, he dropped me a line and we have been talking again. I told him about my struggles and some of my relationshippy things that were going on and he told me that he had learned so much from the Conversations With God books. Coolness! I had totally forgotten that I had recommended them to him! I was all, "YAY!" and he was all..."You should go back and read them again!", and then I was all..."You're right." So the past few nights, I have been reading "Conversations". This book was written in such a way that simplifies all the things that we find complicated about life. IF YOU DON'T BELIEVE in a "God" per se, I still recommend you take a look at this series. It is not religious Bible banging AT ALL...in fact it is very calming, very personable, and explains so many things that people have questions about in a way that makes you go..."OOOOOOOOOOH, I get it!" and then you slap yourself upside the head. You even find out that God has a sense of humor. *smiles* You can find this series in my bookstore. Seriously, it has helped me in the past to understand what my trials have represented...and it is helping me to revisit the books and bring my current situation into perspective. I am one of those people who never understood what "faith" was all about, but this book really paints a clear picture.

One question I had recently (and I almost blogged about it, but then I deleted it) was that I notice throughout my life I have always had a "Plan B". If my main goal doesn't work out, I have a back-up plan...and most of the time, I have NEEDED that back-up plan. Yep, I am living Plan B. Why is that? Is Plan B a good thing, or is it actually a detrimental to my main goals? I am really glad I deleted the blog, because I found the answer in "Conversations". In the book, God explains that our thoughts navigate us to the outcomes we experience in life. But many of us do not focus on one true goal, we have several ideas and many thoughts that crowd our mind...and the Universe answers your sponsoring thought or, the thought that is clearest. In my case, it was "Plan B". I was so busy making sure that I had something to cover my ass when Plan A failed, that Plan B was my sponsoring thought. *lightbulb here*

Here is a funny little addendum. I use my cat as an example of Plan A and Plan B. Well...my cat doesn't have a Plan B. He stares at me and stares at me until I give him what he wants. He rarely begs, he just stares. Sometimes he taps me with his paw, but mostly he just looks intently. He doesn't even MEOW. I know what he wants, and he doesn't give up. Sometimes I don't give him what he wants, but he doesn't sulk, he just waits half an hour and tries again. EVENTUALLY he gets what he wants. Its amazing. Cats are so zen.

Go read the book. It's way cool.

Sorry, I Couldn't Resist!

heeheehee!

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Poor Superman!

I feel really really sorry for Superman. It must be terribly frustrating to be superhuman and superfast. I realize this because I think I am superhuman too. Everyday, I put like 8 tasks on my plate and by noon I am done. My kids have barely rolled out of bed and eaten breakfast...I'm all c'mon, c'mon, c'mon!!! I work so fast and with top efficiency (lol) that I expect the rest of the world to keep up speed. Yesterday I had a day like that. The day before I had been cleaning my neighbor's house to make a couple extra bucks, I came home and cleaned my own house, then I wrote two articles for Smorty and made a video with my son so he could post it to YouTube. Then yesterday I sat down to my computer hoping for more work to show up in my e-mail and ...nothing. Grrr! Where is everyone!? Are they all sleeping? So, I cleaned my house some more and I scanned Craigslist for more work. Hours later...nothing again. I checked Smorty to see if they approved my posts...nope. I helped my son with math, I made dinner, I went to the coffee shop to check out open mic night, came home...still more nothing!!! I sent a message to my friend Darrell touting my depression. This was his reply,

"perhaps it was just the day... It is almost over and a new one is beginning. Sometimes when we are needing to see something happen, we look to hard and miss the little things that happened during the day. Lisa, you have done such a fabulous thing with you and your boys. I am inspired by the things you do each and every day and I know in my heart that things will come right for you. Scraping as you call it is a place some would not even go to. they would sit and hope a windfall would come and pick them up. YOU make the windfalls happen. Be encouraged that you are a real guide to many and I think you do wonderfully."

Maybe Supergirl needs to learn how to sit still and appreciate it when she is given a moment of peace, huh?

One of The Funniest Moments of My Life

I was telling my sons this story in the car tonight, and it occurred to me that it might make a funny entry on my blog, here goes:

After I graduated High School, I went to Performing Arts School. This was a very big deal in the 80's because "Fame" was so popular. I even went out and bought "leg warmers". I was a pretty shy person and definitely did not have enough self-esteem to get through such a program...I was nervous as hell, and the competition there was mighty fierce. Luckily I made a few friends. One was my roommate, her name was Lisa too, so we were LB and LM, for short. Another friend and classmate was "Joe" from Texas. He drove a Duke's of Hazard car, chewed tobacco, and was funnier than hell. LM was in love with him, so she took every opportunity she could to spend time with him. Joe was very laid back, a total "good ol' boy", he had a mullet and everything. One day LM and I took a trip to the grocery and Joe came with us. Oh, Joe smoked a lot of weed too...so this makes the story even funnier. The three of us were standing in line with our groceries, ready to check out and Joe takes his hands out of his jacket pocket and presents a piece of cotton. (like a cotton ball) He says to me and LM, "watch this" and he sticks the cotton into his right nostril. LM and I are trying desperately not to laugh at him, he shushed us and kept a total straight face. DEAD SERIOUS. We placed our groceries onto the conveyor and Joe steps up to the cashier with this piece of cotton hanging out of his nose and while looking at the lady, he blows (exhales) through his nose and the cotton piece went flying and landed amongst the groceries she had just scanned. LM and I were dying, we could not control ourselves and we collapsed into laughter. Joe did not laugh, he kept a total straight face. He looked into the eyes of the very confused cashier, shook his head and said "will you look at that". He reached over, picked up the cotton ball and stuck it right back into his nose. If at all possible, LM and I became more hysterical than before, we literally fell on the floor laughing. Everyone in the aisles on either side of us were standing on their tiptoes to see what was going on. LM and I continued laughing as Joe picked up the groceries and walked out of the store without as much as a smile and a piece of cotton stuck up his nose.

God, that still makes me laugh.

You Get What You Get When You Need It

If you don't believe in God, I hope you believe in something. To me, God and The Universe are one in the same, it just seems corny to refer to "the universe" all the time, and yet I'm not really religious, so to say "God" is also not in my comfort zone. When I refer to God, I am talking about the "all knowing and all loving", not the old man that sits on a throne and condemns people to hell.

So much for my disclaimer, here is my actual post:

I have gone through phases all my life, and each phase I am always asking God, "why am I going through this? Can't you just fix this and let me be happy? I need money, I need a relationship, I need (fill in the blank)" The truth is, God knows what you need in any given moment, and its not always the thing you think you need. As humans, we see things sort of one dimensionally...our perspective is skewed to believe that money is the answer, sex is the answer, a new car is the answer, a great career...etc...BUT (and its a big but!) God knows what you need RIGHT now. Here are my examples:

When I was 23, I was diagnosed with cancer. At the time I was smoking and taking birth control...a deadly combination. I was so angry that I would be stricken with such a horrible disease when I had just gotten married and wanted to start a life with my new husband. God knew that I needed to learn about the importance of my health. THAT was more important.

When I was 30, my husband was critically ill, we had one child already and we were poverty stricken because of his condition. I found out I was pregnant, and we had no idea how we were going to afford another child. I had the baby and we struggled financially for years afterward. My husband died 2 years later, and if it were not for my second child, my first born would be terribly lonely as an only child. He and his brother are best friends, and my younger son is my anchor. He is a precious individual, and he shows me unconditional love everyday. He was a gift. He was what we needed, and God knew that.

For the past two years I have been struggling in a relationship with someone I care about deeply. It has been weighing on my conscience, but I kept tossing the problem into the back seat and kept focusing on money and my freelance work at home projects. I kept asking God, "why can't I make more money, I am struggling, please help me make money!" my doorbell rang. It was my friend, paying me a surprise visit. I was shaken for a moment...why is he here? I don't need this right now, I have too much to deal with! Wrong. I did need to deal with it. It took a few days, But I was finally able to talk to my dear friend and relieve myself from the burden of guilt. I asked his forgiveness, and he told me there was nothing to forgive. I was worrying needlessly. I needed to hear that from him. I needed to speak my mind. God knew what I needed, and he brought me the solution.

I could go on and on with examples of my life experiences, and why things don't always turn out the way we think they should...and it's because as humans, we can't and won't see all the answers. Sometimes we just have to trust that there is a higher power than ourselves. That higher power is looking out for you. If you don't believe and you keep fighting the circumstances of your life instead of seeing the gifts...that's when you suffer. That is hell my friends. Stop living in hell and look at each "problem" as a potential gift. What can you possibly learn from cancer? How about an opportunity to have better health? Learn from poverty, learn from death, learn from accidents...open your heart and your mind to possibility that someone bigger than you loves you very much. More than you will ever know.

A Philosophical Question

If I sing karaoke in my livingroom and there is no one around to hear it, am I really singing?

Sunday is family karaoke night at our local pub. But today is Easter. I called ahead to ask if karaoke was still going on, and they said yes, 7 o'clock. I showed up with my entire family and there was NO karaoke. My bottom lip protruded and I pouted a bit. I have these bursts of energy where I have to sing or do SOMETHING creative. You don't want to be around when all I do is work for weeks or months on end with no creative outlet. I become this very strange, quirky, twitchy person. I was really looking forward to karaoke night with my family. My Mom is so sweet, she came to my house and listened to me sing "Me and Bobby McGee" in my livingroom. So, my opening statement was not exactly true...my Mom heard me sing.

For the past six months it has been a challenge to keep consistent with my creative outlets. My friend's karaoke business has been rocky, and recently he was fired from his regular location, so I have had to find a new place to sing, and that is difficult to do with the kids. My Grey's Anatomy show has been off the air due to the writer's strike (that is my cathartic outlet) and the band my friend Mark & I keep trying to organize will not commit to actual practices. Grrr. So I have mostly been working the past 5 months with very little artistic expression.

I think I mentioned in another post that I have a Supergirl complex. I want it all. I want to do it all. I want to make money, run a business, be creative & artistic, and then on top of all that, I want to look HOT! hahahahahahaha...ok, that was really funny. *wiping away tears of laughter* My mind literally does not stop coming up with ideas. I admittedly lack focus. There is also an aspect of procrastination there I suppose, but the truth is, I keep jumping around from idea to idea...not knowing where to really stop and work on one project. I have this fear of wasting my life. When I am on stage singing... and the people in the audience stop what they are doing to listen to me sing, that is when I feel truly accomplished. That's when I know that I am doing what I was meant to do. I miss the stage, I miss it terribly.

Holy Crap, I haven't written for over a week...

My apologies. This week has been kind of strange and challenging. I love that I can say that now instead of "I had a bad week". It wasn't bad, it was challenging. I was thrown a few hurdles and I totally found a way around all of them. Some of them were emotional hurdles too, so its not like I just stubbed my toe or something like that. Mostly I discovered that I am a fully functional human being, capable of seeing different perspectives and problem solving. Being flexible also helps. You never know when a curveball is gonna come your way.

It cracks me up when people say "Why me? Why did I deserve this?" and the answer is..."Why NOT you". Daisies and butterflies get boring and if your life was perfect and wonderful, the fact of the matter is you would be BORED out of your mind. Humans CREATE challenges so they have something to occupy their time, and also so they can move their way up the food chain. OK, so you did not ask for a broken leg, or a car accident, or a bucket of paint to spill onto your hardwood floor...but these are life's opportunities to help you think OUTSIDE of the box. If your answer is to get mad, pout and cry for 10 days, then you have just wasted 10 days of your life. If you focus on the issue, get to work then maybe the next challenge won't be so difficult.

I still get mad. But nowadays I have "mini-meltdowns" instead of weeks and months of agony and resentment. My melt-down might last 24 hours if something is really disappointing. Then I just kinda look up and say, "help me understand, so I can get through this," and its amazing what calm comes over me, and then the plan starts to unfold before my eyes. As mentioned in other posts, I see my life as magical. Even the bad parts.

I'm In Love With My Blog

Well, sort of anyways. I miss it when I can't write like a narcissist. I haven't written in my book for about 2 weeks, but I have been healing some pretty major components in my life (see Cathartic Pizza below). I think about Bobby a lot. I was really pissed at him when he was here, but I know in my heart he was the best of almost any man I have ever met. He had problems, and I think when he met me, he thought maybe I could help him be the man he knew he was in his heart. He was that man for several years. We had fun together, we were best friends. But we were also children. Our self-esteem was not strong enough to sustain us through a marriage, or any other challenges that came our way. Little by little we fell apart. We clung to...well, I don't know what we clung to...but it was painful for a long time.

Bobby was charmingly funny. I got sick of his stories, but everyone he told them to laughed and laughed. I do miss his laugh, and so many other things about him. I haven't allowed myself to miss him. I think my angry side said "good riddance" for so many years and that has made me afraid to enter any other kind of relationship that would make me the least bit vulnerable. Cooking Italian meals with the kids has totally opened up that part of me that remembers how much I loved Bobby. That sweet Italian kid from New Jersey. I have always felt him watching over us, all these years. I feel him pulling Dante toward cooking. I feel him helping me pay the bills. idk. It's hard to explain, but I have always felt his presence.

I remember the night we were talking about maybe getting married. He didn't want to, and I was making arguments toward getting hitched. We were burning a candle and blew it out while we were talking. Moments passed and we were drifting off to sleep. Suddenly a huge light filled our room, it was as if a UFO had landed...we both bolted up-right and looked over at where the light was coming from...it was the candle. It had re-lit itsself. We decided it was a sign and we had better get married. That's how our life began together, and that's pretty much the way it ended too. Bobby knew I believed in...well, magic. So he knows he can contact me from wherever he is...and he does...quite often.

Cathartic Pizza

On Friday, December 10, 1999 my husband made some pizza dough and baked 3 pizzas. On December 11, he took some pizza to his parents house and took the kids down with him for a visit. He froze the other two pizzas. When he came home with the kids, my oldest son was very ill, he had a high temperature and was almost listless. I took him to the doctor on Sunday and brought back some anti-biotics, he started feeling better, but my second son fell ill. On Monday I took my baby to the doctor, his temp was 105. The doc gave me anti-biotics, and within a few hours he started feeling better. When I drove home from the doctor's office, I found my husband on the couch. "I can't move" he said. He had the same thing. "C'mon, let's go to the doctor," I told him, "the kids got anti-biotics and they are already better". He told me, "just let me sleep, I'll go when I wake up". He slept for 24 hours, and when he woke it was too late. We rushed him to the hospital, but the doctors could not save him. He died at 11:30pm, Wednesday, December 15, 1999. There were two frozen pizzas in our freezer.

Those pizzas stayed in the freezer for months. I did not have the heart to eat them, although on some level I feel Bobby made the pizzas knowing he would not be here, and it was sort of like his legacy. If that doesn't make sense, I apologize. It does make sense to me.

I have never attempted to make pizza. Bobby came from an Italian family and pizza was their forte. I never felt I could own up to that, so I never tried. My oldest son now wants to be a chef. Yesterday, I felt brave, so we went to the grocery and bought pizza dough and all the fixings. The three of us made homemade pizza. It was delicious. It was symbolically delicious. It is now 2008. It took me over 8 years to make a pizza, but I finally did it, and we ate heartily in Bobby's honor.

Gaaah! This week has been intense!

This week my friend asked me to write as many articles as I could come up with for his online magazine, my chiropractor asked me to write some informational cards, and I went on a job interview for a position as a photographer's assistant. ALL GOOD! I am SUPER happy with this work! I have just never written so much in my LIFE! hahaha! To me, this is what it is all about, I love freelancing. It's like a writer's rollercoaster. You feel sick and exhilarated at the same time. The only downside (and its not even really a downside) is that I have not had time to write in my book all week. It's all good, because I am totally taking that writing project in stride. It is a healing for me as well as a writing project. When the time comes for me to write about my husband's death, it is going to be very difficult. I guess I am "gearing up" for that, and I shouldn't. Part of my healing process is just taking each day as it comes, I guess, like an alcoholic. In the past I have always been such a negative person, sad sap, woe-is-me...and I've come to realize that is a HORRIBLE way to live. I don't live like a super happy chipmunk either...I just sort of make myself pliable, like water. I go with whatever. Somethings make me mad or nervous or scared, but I learn to recover quickly and just see where that event takes me next. I am usually pleasantly surprised.

I am anxious to get back to my book, but I am more happy that I am getting paid to write and be creative.

I Don't Know How to Juggle, but I Fake It

When I close my eyes and I envision myself, I see a juggler who has many balls in the air. The balls in my life have labels. Mother, Artist, Daughter, Sister, Mentor, Girlfriend, Bread-winner, Student, Employee, Friend, Animal Enthusiast, Comedian, Woman, Teacher, Maid. Some days I have 3 balls in the air, some days I have 5 in the air, some days I have so many I can't count...some days I drop all of them and say F*k it. The problem with the latter is that people get very disappointed in you. Your phone starts ringing, you get nasty IM's...but the cool part is, you find out who your REAL friends are.

Let me put it this way. I try really hard, and I work really hard to be all the things I want to be and to show everyone they can be that too. But some days you flunk out a little...you have a moment...you have a trial that only you can handle, and for 24 hours you are coping with an issue that is just between you and God. Only your true friends understand that.

I am at a time in my life where I understand what it means to play ball, and if the person on the other end doesn't play ball back...then you just kinda wait for another player who will play with you. It seems silly to sit and expect the other person to understand you, when they JUST DON'T UNDERSTAND you. Why sit there and try to explain the heck out of it? It is literally a losing battle. My sister and I learned this many years ago. We never really understood each other. So we had this sort of "pretend"hate or resentment while we were growing up, but as years passed and we came to be more accepting, we realized...we are just PEOPLE trying to figure out what our life is about. There is NO REASON to hate, just say..."I don't understand you right now" and allow that space to be there for awhile.

At this time I'd just like to say that my sister is really excellent human being. She works really hard and she loves even harder.

Back to my juggling analogy. Here are the balls I drop quite often. Girlfriend. Bread-winner. Student. Woman. Maid. My apologies go out to then people who have to accept me under those conditions. I am working on it.

Writing as Therapy

It's really an amazing thing to write your memoirs from a place of peace. I have tried so many times to write in the past, and only became frustrated and depressed by my own story. I have had time to heal, to see my experiences as just that...experiences. There is no blame, no finger pointing...just me and the people I have spent my life with. I am now able to write about these events as an observer, not as a victim or an innocent bi-stander. Amazingly, the memories are clearer from that stand-point as well. My friend Bette (who is also writing her memoirs) was telling me the same thing the other day, she said, "I can see the paint on the walls and the color of the tile in the kitchen" as if it happened yesterday. We are ready. We are ready to look at our past and not only face it, but write about it, and explain our journey to others without anger, and with peace in our hearts.

I had an epiphany after writing about my childhood in chapter 2 yesterday. I was writing about my brother and I playing "runaways" when we were kids. This was my favorite game to play. All I wanted to do was run away from home and create my own world, my own place, and live off of whatever meager allowances I could find. It was a fantasy for years...and I realized I was STILL playing out that fantasy. My dream actually came true. I left my second marriage, I took off, bought my own house on MY terms, quit my job and started working at home and making my dreams come true in anyway I could. The pitfall was that I clinging to the challenge of living meagerly. I have loved this game from the time I was 6 years old, and I am still playing it. Ironically, I also want to live my life with "faith"...faith that God will provide. Well, the only way for that to come true is if I have NOTHING and God provides. Am I right? Well, my subconscious is playing it out that way. Yep. I discovered something really amazing about myself yesterday, and I realize that I can overcome my current obstacles by being CONSCIOUS of my thought patterns.

I am allowed to be successful without struggling and scraping and "surviving". It is okay to thrive. It is okay to have plenty. I am allowed to have an abundant life.

New Button

I added a new button to the right so everyone can listen to the music on my CD "LifeontheMoon". My disclaimer is that this was my first attempt at recording, I am much more of a stage performer. The high notes are "pitchy" and in some of the songs I can hear that I am not warmed up. I am my own worst critic, as you can tell, everyone else has given me positive feedback. Hope you enjoy it too! Just click "My Radio" it should play automatically with Windows Player.

Chapter 1

I finished Chapter One today, I had been dreading it, because it was the memory of when my Dad died. I have tried writing about this many times and it was extremely painful. But now I am in a place of peace and it is easier to talk about. I actually enjoyed writing this chapter and I found a way to incorporate some humor. I think it totally helped to have my friend, Bette, talk me into writing an outline first. For some reason this really helped me organize my thoughts, and put it all into perspective. Thanks Bette.

My Blog Lacks Aesthetics

I'm not really sure what some people are looking for in a blog, but that was a comment I received today on Linkreferral. I am all for constructive criticism, but truthfully my blog here is my writing outlet, I do have some cute pictures of my kids and stuff here...but mostly what you will find is my writing. I get that some people want pictures or "shiny things" to keep them occupied, but unfortunately my blog won't have a lot of that. I like pictures too, but when I am blogging I am mostly thinking about how the words PAINT a picture. I do thank that person for their comment, I will think on it, and maybe next time I blog I will go to Photobucket for a complimentary photo.

**UPDATE** OK, that person was absolutely right, the blog is better with a few pretty pictures. Thanks again!